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Post by whoknows on Jun 20, 2022 22:31:57 GMT
It’s so hard when you have such young kids to maintain romance and I think it’s easy to think that if you just had time together things would be better but from everything you’ve
Said it sounds like you have a really strong connection with the idea of dating but being with a woman in the future. Your vision is clear to me. Are you sharing your tears with your husband!?
I had a bit of time away alone and it’s made me feel a bit calmer in the sense that, I don’t need to rush things. But while I don’t want to rush a separation, I feel I want to rush into dating women, having sex and exploring this life. I’ve felt a real sense of connection to the LGBTQ+ community lately with pride month too, like I want to just shout about it from the rooftops etc
When I say anonymous, I mean environments like at work when I can almost pretend to be gay. Not actually openly but just in my mannerisms and things. All my life I’ve tried to make myself appear more feminine and girly girl but always felt wrong. More and more recently I’m saying to hell with it and wearing what I feel comfortable with.
I am dying to go to a gay bar for a night out though and be fully anonymous and feel safe!
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Post by katie on Jun 21, 2022 20:34:55 GMT
Yea, thank you. Guess I’m just trying to think through every possible solution. We’ve got a family holiday at the end of the school term, so that will hopefully give me some more clarity. Nope, I am keeping my feelings, as much as possible, to myself. Although this creates another layer of guilt because I feel like I’m lying a lot of the time.
I’m really glad you were able to have some time away. That’s a really good idea and a good way to find perspective. It Sounds fun being able to put forward a different version of yourself too. What kind of things are you finding more comfortable?
Yes, I’ve been thinking about visiting gay bars as well. I think I want to be in places where I feel accepted. I feel out of place in my own life at the moment. I’d like to feel that I belong.
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Post by whoknows on Jun 22, 2022 13:28:29 GMT
What are some of the solutions you have thought of? I'd love to hear them as I can't seem to think of many beyond the binary option of stay or leave. How are you feeling about the family holiday? I had to set expectations with my husband on our holiday recently that sex was off the table. The guilt about lying is so hard  I think it's cos we're having to conceal our authentic selves. The biggest thing I'm finding I'm more comfortable/confident with is my appearance, in the sense that I've always felt pressure to dress in a more feminine way but recently I've gone with the approach of 'F**k it' I'll wear what I want and I've felt liberated doing so. I haven't felt as much of a need to 'conform' to societies expectations of me as a woman. When you say you want to feel like you belong, just know that you do belong. You might not feel like you do right now, but you do. You belong to your children as their Mother, you belong to this world in whatever capacity and most importantly you belong to you, and you are a wonderful human being. It feels torturous now, I know, but be kind to yourself lovely. xx |
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Post by katie on Jun 23, 2022 18:26:23 GMT
That’s good, I’m glad you’re able to feel more comfortable in those situations. Have you tried dressing the same at home?
We have had a rough 24hours. My husband asked me some fairly direct questions on Tuesday night and I couldn’t lie to him. So I’ve now told him everything I am feeling. I’ve explained that I love him, I want to be with him, but I really want to date women and I think the spark has gone from our relationship. He was incredibly upset, and it was really horrible to see that and know that I caused it. But, it’s also been a relief..I don’t have to pretend anything any more, we are both on the same page and whatever happens, we can go through it together. We have agreed that we will continue life as ‘normal’ for now, go to couples counselling and try to do more fun things together. I’ve said that I don’t know if we will end up together, but if we can, that’s what I want. We’ve done quite well at being calm and respectful and not blaming each other…I just hope we can keep things like that. It’s been horrible. But we do know where we stand now and I am more at ease and feeling less guilty. Just exhausted now!!!
Family holiday….I’ll let you know how that feels when/ if we get there!
I hope you have some nice weekend plans, look after yourself xx
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Post by whoknows on Jun 24, 2022 8:08:23 GMT
Oh lovely, it sounds like you've had such a tough time but I'm glad to hear you feel relief also. I always recall someone telling me that when there's an imbalance of knowledge with one of you knowing more than the other; it makes things difficult, and as soon as you can balance that knowledge out a bit more and get on the same page things seem a bit better, although getting there is so hard. I remember going through the same phase ourselves, and I found the direct questions really hard, I still do. My husband said today 'I'm happy to go but what's the point in couples therapy when you can't even kiss me, why can't you kiss me' I drew a blank and couldn't say anything, like I was just totally silent. Our therapy starts Monday and I'm so so so nervous  although in a way im hoping to feel relief and that maybe the therapist might be able to tease things out of me that I currently don't feel able to voice. How has he been with you since? My husband goes through phases of deep upset, anger/frustration and then overly attentive thinking he can make it all better. At times he's said 'do you think you could be bisexual?'. I think he hopes that the idea of me being bisexual might still mean he has a chance, but I can't seem to explain that it doesn't quite work that way. Well done for remaining calm and respectful, that must make things much easier. Is ending up together what you really want? Like would you hope in an ideal world to date women but end up back with him? Sending love! x |
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Post by katie on Jun 26, 2022 5:25:33 GMT
Thank you…it’s certainly been an up and down few days. Oddly, we are actually getting on quite well. My husband is showing genuine curiosity about my sexuality and we’ve been able to have some honest conversations about our relationship. Sex is not happening- which is right.
I’m really not sure what I want in the end. It would be wonderful to come out the other side of this together, but k think the most I can say at the moment is that I see our lives being linked in some way, I’m just not sure in what capacity.
Good luck with counselling tomorrow. Remember that you can set the pace. I really hope it’s useful fo you xx
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Post by whoknows on Jun 26, 2022 8:13:46 GMT
That’s amazing he’s been curious, suggests he’s open minded. Mine hasn’t been at all curious, i think due to fear 😞I’m starting to feel uncomfortable even undressing or dressing after a shower. Yes, of course my negative body image doesn’t help but I think it’s cos I feel he’s looking at me in a preying way. So nervous about tomorrow!
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Post by katie on Jun 26, 2022 8:28:31 GMT
I’m sorry you’re feeling so uncomfortable with your husband. I imagine that would make you feel anxious and on-edge the whole time. Must be exhausting. I really hope tomorrow makes you feel supported and respected…and that your husband can reassure you that he respects your personal space and boundaries. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’ve nothing to feel ashamed of.
Sending a big hug xx
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Post by whoknows on Jun 26, 2022 12:16:41 GMT
Yeh it’s feels quite intrusive but then I’m riddled with guilt for
Feeling that way. I hope tomorrow at least will just get us on the same page, balance the knowledge etc. It feels
Nice when we’re just having fun together but it does feel like we’re just good friends. Tensions are made higher when trying to deal with toddlers too!! Hard work. How has your weekend been? X
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Post by katie on Jun 27, 2022 18:49:31 GMT
Hey,
Hope today was ok. Thinking of you.
Katie x
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I think it's cos we're having to conceal our authentic selves. 
although in a way im hoping to feel relief and that maybe the therapist might be able to tease things out of me that I currently don't feel able to voice.