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Post by whoknows on Jun 27, 2022 20:43:20 GMT
Thank you so much, that means a lot. I am so relieved to have the first one over and done with. It was okay, and I feel lighter for doing it. They asked what outcomes we each wanted and although my husband didn’t really answer I said that While I’m exploring sexuality, Im not prepared to leave any stone unturned with regards to my marriage. Like I’m not prepared to leave my marriage without doing it properly, equally im not prepared to stay without having explored if im gay or not. To him he doesn’t quite know how far I’ve come in my “exploration” and he says he finds it “funny” I say gay or straight. Ie. Bisexual isn’t an option and im not really sure about it. Like I guess maybe I am bi. Of course a label is somewhat irrelevant and the most important thing is I clearly would prefer a woman (at the moment) but I can never say never to anything male or female. What’s your take?
Hope your week has started kindly x
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Post by katie on Jun 29, 2022 21:29:54 GMT
Well done! I’m glad you feel lighter, although I’m sure you are also feeling exhausted. Well done for being honest about what you want.
It’s interesting your husband wants to put bisexuality on the table. Mine found it confusing and felt I must really be gay or straight. I think you can identify in whatever way feels right to you. I say I’m bi because I have definite feelings of attraction towards men and women. But I know someone who has sex with men and women, but identifies as straight because she only wants relationships with men. So it really is a personal feeling. I guess your husband thinks that if you’re bi, there’s more chance for your relationship. But as you say, it doesn’t really matter how you identify if ultimately, you see yourself with a woman. For me, being bisexual has meant asking the question: If I’m attracted to men, I could stay in this relationship..but do I want to?
How are you feeling now you’ve had a couple of days to process things after your session?
We have had a bit of a break through here…my husband is willing to talk about an open relationship! I have no idea what this could look like yet, but I’m so relieved to have a possible way through this together. Just crossing my fingers he doesn’t change his mind.
Xx
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Post by whoknows on Jun 29, 2022 21:56:53 GMT
Thank you, that’s actually really helpful to hear and you’re right it is so personal.
Wow that’s amazing; I’d love to know how that has come about. I couldn’t feel much further away from that at the moment. It’s never been mentioned and I can’t see it ever being considered let alone allowed to happen. I would so love to hear what’s been discuss and how it came up.
I feel very confused this week; about everything; sexuality, marriage, future etc. can’t seem to know what I want & i Keep doubting myself. Keep telling myself I’m rushing into things and need to slow down but then I argue with myself saying you can’t deny this gay side of you; you’re not rushing it, you’re feeling it.
I’ve caught myself looking at women differently recently; and I was totally surprised when I saw a woman earlier in a crowd and I felt a little stomach churn. Moments like that I’m like yeh I’m not making this up; but then the other voice in my head, that’s driven by fear, starts piping up. It’s suffocating me 😞
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Post by katie on Jul 1, 2022 23:38:36 GMT
Sorry you’re feeling confused and suffocated. That’s really hard. I hope it’s a part of the process, and that having gone through the confusion, you’ll come out the other side confident in your decisions. Feel whatever you’re feeling…it will fall into place.
We have a couple of friends, who are married, that we have always suspected (due to rumours) have an open relationship. The husband (J) is an old friend of my partner and I suggested he talk to J about our issues. It turns out the rumours were true and j and his wife have always had an open relationship. My husband had a really good conversation with J about our situation and sex in general, and came home feeling really comforted that me wanting to be with women can become part of our marriage, rather than meaning the end of it. I think he realised that our marriage can be whatever we want it to be, and that we can still be loving and loyal to each other whilst sharing new sexual experiences.
We’ve got a lot to work out before we can go anywhere with this. But it is a big relief that we may be able to find a compromise that works for us both. We are starting counselling this week, so crossing my fingers it goes well.
Hope you have something nice planned his weekend. Sending love x
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Post by whoknows on Jul 4, 2022 18:10:00 GMT
Hello, how are you today? I hope your week has started positively. When do you start counselling? Sounds like you've both made some amazing progress and the idea of an open marriage is a real strong possibility and reality; feel really proud for how far you've come with your husband as just a matter of days/weeks ago you couldn't fathom getting this far or even telling him; I hope you've acknowledged the progress and high fived yourself. Sadly I'm feeling pretty low, overwhelmed, worthless and just sad. I felt awful when asked in therapy if there was a woman in the picture (there's not per se now, but of course there has been) and I felt horrendous. Also, my husband seems to think I've made up my mind on sexuality (which is fairly accurate) and he's struggling to accept It all. I don't think the idea of an open marriage has even entered his mind and I don't know why I don't feel I can bring it up either. We tried to kiss again and I just could not do it, ended up telling him I was trying which has left him feeling crap too. I just don't see a way out of this that isn't so f**king painful. Our therapist asked if I was happy and I just said no, I'm really not  Any words of wisdom you can send my way? I'm really in need x |
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Post by katie on Jul 4, 2022 22:04:27 GMT
Hey you,
Im so sorry that you are feeling the way you do. You’ve been so brave being honest about your feelings. If I’d been there, I would have given you a massive hug.
I’m not sure I have any words of wisdom…but I do see some positives from what you’ve said. If your husband is beginning to understand your sexuality, and working towards accepting it, then maybe you are a little closer to being able to be your authentic self all of the time. The pain you are feeling is very real, but it also won’t last. You will come out the other side, and things will work out the way they are meant to.
Is an open relationship something that you want with your husband? Do you think that could work for you?
We start counselling on Thursday.
Sending lots and lots of love xxx
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Post by whoknows on Jul 7, 2022 12:19:53 GMT
Hello! I totally missed your reply here and I was thinking I hadn't heard so just when I came on to check in on you, I saw the reply from 3 days ago; apologies. A hug would have been so appreciated, and in fact still would be now.
it's been a really really hard week with therapy together and just seeing how hurt he is; sad, frustrated, angry etc. Saying he feels so helpless too. it's so horrid to be the cause of his heart ache and it's really muddying the waters in my mind too.
You're so right, these are all small baby steps which mustn't be overlooked; months ago I couldn't have dreamt that I'd be where I am now so it's good to acknowledge how far I've come; thank you for helping me realise that.
I hope counselling today has gone/goes well. Let me know if you feel up to it. It's such a brave step starting therapy and a lot of people never even make it to that stage so well done! Are you still doing your individual therapy too?
I'm not sure about an open relationship; in some ways I don't know how long it could last so maybe it could be a stop gap but I don't see it being a long term thing as I doubt that you could avoid one individual developing feelings elsewhere but I am open to the idea of it and I suppose at some point I need to get him on that page too.
Big hugs to you xx
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Post by katie on Jul 7, 2022 21:48:58 GMT
No worries 🙂 Sending a big hug your way. It’s so so hard, and you’re doing so well. It’s very hard seeing someone you love hurt and not being able to make it better. I guess sometimes, we just have to go through things. I wonder if your husband also sees how much pain you are in?
When you say it’s muddying the waters…what do you mean?
I completely understand your thoughts on an open relationship..it’s not something anyone could do forever..and there are definite risks. Not an easy option, and only workable if you really really want to be together.
Our first therapy session was pretty intense, but ok. I think we are still being quite polite and sensitive towards each other’s feelings, which is good..but also means we are not being completely honest yet. I think we will have some really difficult sessions ahead. I’m finishing my individual therapy next week so that I can focus on the couples stuff. I think I would get confused if I tried to do both.
Hope you are ok. If you find you really need comforting- I find a weighted blanket and a hot water bottle are brilliant 🙂
Take care of yourself xxx
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Post by whoknows on Jul 8, 2022 10:36:56 GMT
Well done on the first therapy session; the first one for us was intense too but it's a massive step, well done! I know what you mean about being completely honest. If you felt you could be totally honest to your husband, what would you say? My husband doesn't see my pain to the full extent, I find it so hard to voice it because I think if I did voice it, it would signal the end to him.
I'm finishing my individual therapy soon too but I'm dreading it; she's the one that's helped me get to this point and is providing me with such a safe space to be totally honest, without that I worry I might self combust, but I have to try and be strong.
The muddying the waters is just that, when I feel heartache for my husband I lose sight of my sexuality. The way I described it is like I have two songs playing in my head; the sexuality one and the marriage one and one volume always plays louder than the other. Like when the marriage volume is really loud, I can't hear the sexuality any more, I desperately want the songs to play nicely together but they just don't and it feels like it's one or the other. So the muddying is the doubt of me listening to the marriage song and thinking I'm making everything up around sexuality. I don't know if that makes any sense.
How are you feeling in yourself?? and are the two of you getting on well still?
Hope the kids are good too!
Lots of love xx
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Post by katie on Jul 10, 2022 19:54:33 GMT
I love how you have described the muddying the waters. That makes a lot of sense and I can see how gut-wrenching that feels. I’m glad you’ve been able to share at least some of your pain, it’s a lot to carry by yourself, and your feelings are really important too.
Sometimes I think my husband is really selfish, and that he has a tunnel vision focus on his life and his view of things that means he is oblivious to me. He doesn’t see how much this impacts me, and I probably need to say it bluntly in order to get through to him. We are getting on alright at the moment…having lots of conversations about our relationship and trying to spend time doing fun things together. Just trying to go one day at a time.
I’m feeling ok in myself. I’m sad about finishing my own therapy, and I’m on edge quite a lot as I’m not sure what the expect from my husband. But I’m doing alright.
I hope your couples session goes ok tomorrow. Remember you’re not alone. Xxx
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