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Post by whoknows on Jul 10, 2022 20:03:40 GMT
You’re so sweet for remembering it’s tomorrow, thank you. I’m dreading it.
I’ve had a few comments from my mum this weekend about a friend of my sisters who she thinks is gay; my mum said “we think she’s gay, that explains why she’s so fucked up in the head”. It’s really affected me as it makes me feel like coming out is just never an option. Of course it is an option, but it feels like it’s not.
I know what you mean about your husband being selfish; my husband makes it al about him. He never asks how I’m feeling about anything; he sees me as the one to blame and can’t seem to see I’m in turmoil; we are barely speaking. When in eachothers company we’re just on our phones; and honestly I think I’d almost rather that as it feels safer and less vulnerable. What’s their to talk about beyond the state of our descending marriage!?
When you say you’re not sure what to expect from your husband, what do you mean? Physically? Emotionally? How’s the atmosphere? Ours is generally pretty tense and miserable.
I get so much comfort from talking with you and just wanted to say thank you. I hope it’s not one sided!
X
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Post by katie on Jul 11, 2022 21:27:47 GMT
It’s not one sided 🙂 Talking to you makes me feel very supported and helps me accept my feelings, and sometimes, helps me see a different point of view. Thank you!
I’m sorry to hear about your mother’s comments. That’s a horrible thing to hear at any time, but right now it must feel even worse. It’s not your issue though. You are just fine, exactly as you are. Coming out is a complete choice….and the timing is a choice too. Maybe it’s not an option for now, but for the future?
The atmosphere with us is pretty hopeful at the moment. We had a lot of fun at the weekend, and tonight we’ve joined a dating app (which was very surreal). We’re doing well, I think, but I just don’t trust it. Like it might all crumble at any moment. So just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for the best.
Really hope your husband can begin to understand and see how difficult you are finding things. It’s understandable that he feels hurt, but I hope he can begin to see that this has not been your choice either, or what you ever expected to happen. If he can realise that, maybe things can become less tense between you. I will keep my fingers crossed!
Hope you are doing ok this evening, and that you get some rest tonight. Katie xx
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Post by whoknows on Jul 11, 2022 21:31:15 GMT
Thank you, as always for your wise words. So glad things feel hopeful for you, long may it continue. I hope you’re celebrating how far you’ve come; it’s amazing. I wish I could follow in your footsteps x
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Post by katie on Jul 12, 2022 20:35:44 GMT
Hey, How are you doing today? I finished my individual therapy today. It’s the right thing…but also very sad. Hope you’re doing ok after yesterday xx
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Post by whoknows on Jul 12, 2022 21:04:18 GMT
Hello, I’m struggling to see a way out to be honest and it’s really getting to me, I hear how far you’ve come and i feel so far away from that. I have 2 more individual sessions left as well, I’m dreading it to be honest; I don’t know how I’ll cope without that utterly safe space. How do you feel ending yours? Understandably sad, has it been your individual therapy that led you to questioning your sexuality too? X
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Post by katie on Jul 13, 2022 5:46:25 GMT
I’m so sorry. It sounds like your therapist has been doing a really good job. What is you couples therapist like?
I do think part of what is happening for me and my husband is sweeping things under the rug. We’re doing ok, but there’s a good bit of denial going on.
Are you able to talk to any friends about what you’re going through?
I know you’re having a really tough time. Please be safe.
I’m thinking of you xx
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Post by whoknows on Jul 13, 2022 6:22:01 GMT
Couples therapist is lovely but it’s new, and it’s with my husband so it’s so so different. I can’t be entirely open and honest.. maybe soon I can be. I’ve been experiencing some homophobic comments from my family lately and so it feels like the mountain I have to climb is enormous 😞
When you say denial with your husband, what do you mean? On both parts as well?
I’m staying safe, thank you! While I feel low, crap and quite miserable I do feel able to cope compared to other times so that’s something. How about you? I hope you stay safe too.
I don’t suppose you got round to that untamed book?
I do have friends I’m speaking to but I’m feeling more and more like a burden and also friends can be more prone to bias and opinions; that’s why I value your words cos you can totally relate.
Also, how has the dating app been for you both?
xxx
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Post by katie on Jul 13, 2022 16:55:06 GMT
Absolutely- therapy as a couple is completely different! I’m trying to work out how much ‘space’ I can take up in the relationship, and how honest I can be. I’m hoping I will adjust as I get used to the new dynamic. It’s interesting too, watching how my husband is. He was really nervous before our first session and then once we got in there he was completely relaxed and wouldn’t stop talking! It was fascinating!
I think now that my husband and I have had some good conversations and a few fun dates, he has decided that everything is fine and splitting up is no longer a possibility. For me, I still see it as an option because we have a very long way to go. I still may decide that I want to explore my sexuality on my own. I think he is trying to pretend nothing’s gone wrong.
Being on the app is ok, but it wouldn’t be my choice. I feel it makes us quite vulnerable…people I work with may see our profile and anyone we meet up with will likely get to know where we live etc and this makes me uncomfortable. I also think we are moving into it too quickly before our trust and communication is solid. I think my husband id rushing things out of fear because he thinks if we don’t do this, I’ll leave. But that’s not a good motivation. If anything, I’d like to try going to a hosted retreat where we can explore things safely, away from home and with clear rules for behaviour. So I’m trying to gently slow things down without alarming him.
I’m glad you are safe and coping ok, although it is very hard. I can understand the comments from your family adding you the pain and making it seem never-ending. I think you’ve done well not to lash out at them in anger.
I’m ok for now 🙂 The book is still on my list…working my way there slowly! Maybe in the future, when our situations are resolved, we could find a safe way to meet up. I think that would be nice.
Katie x
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Post by whoknows on Jul 14, 2022 8:28:19 GMT
Do you feel you're holding things back already in couples? Perhaps because you fear it might hurt your husband? I know I am doing exactly that. You said a few posts back that you and your husband have perhaps been papering over cracks; what did you mean by that?
Sounds like your husband is in the denial phase which mine went through.. he's now in the angry phase and says he feels sad, angry, frustrated and helpless. He keeps saying I feel I'm just drifting waiting to be told If you want me or not. it's so hard!
Really good points about the dating and making sure trust and communication is solid, I think that's so wise. What worries you about people finding out where you live and people knowing? I think you can legitimately slow things down by just asking for time yourself, it's a big change and a big shift and I hope he can acknowledge it will take time for you both to adjust.
Do you get chance for podcasts? There's a great podcast with the author of Untamed (Glennon Doyle) with Brene Brown, it's worth a listen, I found myself rewinding at every moment. How are you feeling about the children at the moment?
That would be so nice to meet up! I don't know how you feel about exchanging numbers (if there's a safe way to do so) I find I have to hide the fact I'm on this forum which is challenging
xx
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Post by whoknows on Jul 14, 2022 19:57:30 GMT
I meant to send you good vibes for your therapy today. I hope it went well and didn’t feel too uncomfortable or exposing x
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