Lesbian, trapped in straight marriage w/young kids
Oct 10, 2022 11:08:28 GMT
Post by lgbtqnew on Oct 10, 2022 11:08:28 GMT
Hi everyone,
Its been so interesting reading this tread and I would like to share my experiences as it is so so similar to you! Essentially I felt what you felt when younger and heteronormative conditioning ect meant I ended up married (20 yr relationship) with two kids under 6, aged almost 40.
I just want to say that you are absolutely NOT selfish to pursue this. I am not going to lie it is very daunting, but it will benefit your family life in the long run to live your authentic life, be happy, and be a role model for your kids and show them what love is. I am sure your husband deserves someone who loves him in every way and though its tough now, in the long run he will realise this.
At the start of the summer holidays I finally did it...told my husband it was over and that I was a lesbian. Things have been one million miles an hour but already 2.5 months on I can say its absolutely worth it. The weight off my shoulders from being able to live my authentic life far outweighs the crap I have had to deal with in the interim. Its tough right now, but I know its only temporary and that my happiness is for life.
Here is my story in a nutshell, and feel free to ask questions...
18 months ago there was a catalyst, and I everything just clicked into place...who I truly was, how I was raised to live a life that wasn't authentic.
I pursued individual therapy about 1 year ago and explored my feelings as well as my marriage, realising I didn't love him and couldn't continue having sex (we hadn't for about 6 months by the time it ended). We then had couples therapy but I had checked out and wasn't invested in making it work because this burden of living a lie was overwhelming.
One night he confronted me about not trying/having sex and was very angry, and (with a few wines in me) I just broke down and told him that I thought I was gay. It wasn't my plan to tell him so soon...my situation was like yours and I couldn't see a way out. But emotions got the better of me. In summary, he didn't react well and hasn't been supportive. He outed me to mutual friends (only a few old uni friends knew), blackmailed me into telling my parents, and moved out...all within the space of a few weeks.
How is my husband doing? He hasn't coped well and didn't want the marriage to end, but irrespective of me being gay the marriage was over a few years ago. It has forced him to get individual therapy and reach out to his support network (he rarely invested time in friends previously), and as a result he is in much better place already. We are trying to be amicable but its not easy.
My family and friends all know now, and it doesn't matter. They have been great. My Dad said he was proud of me for being so brave and giving up the financial security/ stability I had in pursuit of happiness. They all agree there is a huge change in me, and I feel much calmer and happier.
The kids (5 and 6) have dealt with it really well. We live in London and so they are used to various family set ups and there isn't a 'normal'. They love having two homes, two rooms ect. I am glad they are young whilst this is happening. Dad is quite hands off...one week night and every other weekend, but this isn't actually that different to his input when we lived together so the kids haven't noticed really.
Financially there will be some changes, but there are so many free resources which you can use to figure out/model what life would look like on your own. Its going to be tight, but actually as long as you can provide a roof over the kids head, keep them safe warm and fed then they will be fine. My life will change as I know it, but I just couldn't envisage being trapped in my marriage forever for the sake of financial security. However, I get your situation and know many friends who are unhappy in their marriage who cant afford to do it, e.g. if they work part time and have given up careers to raise children. I completely get that and its a very tough decision to make.
Mentally, I listened to loads of podcasts on Spotify: How not to screw up your kids(parenting podcast), The Divorce Podcast, The Lesbian Chronicles (two women married with kids who came out near 40) and it has really helped me get through this period with a positive mindset! Like you say, the Glennon Doyle book untamed was also pretty good.
I also attend a bi weekly support group for coming out. It made me realise I am comfortable with my sexuality and want to own it and live my life authentically. I probably don't need therapy to come to terms with it, I just need to get out and do it! But there are some people who really struggle, and these groups are great for those people.
The selfishness I felt early on has started to subside, and although its hard sometimes I have no regrets. Like you I sometimes feel anger about the life I could have led, and heteronormative conditioning ect, but this is fading and I wouldnt change anything as I have my wonderful kids and have learned lots of lessons over the years.
Though I know I am so much happier already (before I have even put myself out there) this is by no means an easy way out, so I just want to say that I understand your dilemma!
I wouldn't say I found the strength to leave, or was brave, my emotions just overwhelmed me. Also my husband made is easy for me by walking away, telling everyone i'am gay ect and not fighting for me. I think it would be hard having a husband that wants to make it work when your heart, body and soul isn't invested.
Best of luck and feel free to message back if you welcome any support
x
Its been so interesting reading this tread and I would like to share my experiences as it is so so similar to you! Essentially I felt what you felt when younger and heteronormative conditioning ect meant I ended up married (20 yr relationship) with two kids under 6, aged almost 40.
I just want to say that you are absolutely NOT selfish to pursue this. I am not going to lie it is very daunting, but it will benefit your family life in the long run to live your authentic life, be happy, and be a role model for your kids and show them what love is. I am sure your husband deserves someone who loves him in every way and though its tough now, in the long run he will realise this.
At the start of the summer holidays I finally did it...told my husband it was over and that I was a lesbian. Things have been one million miles an hour but already 2.5 months on I can say its absolutely worth it. The weight off my shoulders from being able to live my authentic life far outweighs the crap I have had to deal with in the interim. Its tough right now, but I know its only temporary and that my happiness is for life.
Here is my story in a nutshell, and feel free to ask questions...
18 months ago there was a catalyst, and I everything just clicked into place...who I truly was, how I was raised to live a life that wasn't authentic.
I pursued individual therapy about 1 year ago and explored my feelings as well as my marriage, realising I didn't love him and couldn't continue having sex (we hadn't for about 6 months by the time it ended). We then had couples therapy but I had checked out and wasn't invested in making it work because this burden of living a lie was overwhelming.
One night he confronted me about not trying/having sex and was very angry, and (with a few wines in me) I just broke down and told him that I thought I was gay. It wasn't my plan to tell him so soon...my situation was like yours and I couldn't see a way out. But emotions got the better of me. In summary, he didn't react well and hasn't been supportive. He outed me to mutual friends (only a few old uni friends knew), blackmailed me into telling my parents, and moved out...all within the space of a few weeks.
How is my husband doing? He hasn't coped well and didn't want the marriage to end, but irrespective of me being gay the marriage was over a few years ago. It has forced him to get individual therapy and reach out to his support network (he rarely invested time in friends previously), and as a result he is in much better place already. We are trying to be amicable but its not easy.
My family and friends all know now, and it doesn't matter. They have been great. My Dad said he was proud of me for being so brave and giving up the financial security/ stability I had in pursuit of happiness. They all agree there is a huge change in me, and I feel much calmer and happier.
The kids (5 and 6) have dealt with it really well. We live in London and so they are used to various family set ups and there isn't a 'normal'. They love having two homes, two rooms ect. I am glad they are young whilst this is happening. Dad is quite hands off...one week night and every other weekend, but this isn't actually that different to his input when we lived together so the kids haven't noticed really.
Financially there will be some changes, but there are so many free resources which you can use to figure out/model what life would look like on your own. Its going to be tight, but actually as long as you can provide a roof over the kids head, keep them safe warm and fed then they will be fine. My life will change as I know it, but I just couldn't envisage being trapped in my marriage forever for the sake of financial security. However, I get your situation and know many friends who are unhappy in their marriage who cant afford to do it, e.g. if they work part time and have given up careers to raise children. I completely get that and its a very tough decision to make.
Mentally, I listened to loads of podcasts on Spotify: How not to screw up your kids(parenting podcast), The Divorce Podcast, The Lesbian Chronicles (two women married with kids who came out near 40) and it has really helped me get through this period with a positive mindset! Like you say, the Glennon Doyle book untamed was also pretty good.
I also attend a bi weekly support group for coming out. It made me realise I am comfortable with my sexuality and want to own it and live my life authentically. I probably don't need therapy to come to terms with it, I just need to get out and do it! But there are some people who really struggle, and these groups are great for those people.
The selfishness I felt early on has started to subside, and although its hard sometimes I have no regrets. Like you I sometimes feel anger about the life I could have led, and heteronormative conditioning ect, but this is fading and I wouldnt change anything as I have my wonderful kids and have learned lots of lessons over the years.
Though I know I am so much happier already (before I have even put myself out there) this is by no means an easy way out, so I just want to say that I understand your dilemma!
I wouldn't say I found the strength to leave, or was brave, my emotions just overwhelmed me. Also my husband made is easy for me by walking away, telling everyone i'am gay ect and not fighting for me. I think it would be hard having a husband that wants to make it work when your heart, body and soul isn't invested.
Best of luck and feel free to message back if you welcome any support
x
